i’m really bad at this “wannabe fashion blogger” stuff, but i don’t even care. blogging is something i have thought about for years and one day, when i get better i will look back at all these embarrassing photos and think to myself that i did everything that i had to when starting out in something new. just like when it comes to photography! i look back at some of my photos and think to myself, “how did i get paid for that?” but i did. and i worked hard. and things got better. i got better. i got bigger. and now photography is my job. [Read more…]
hey there babies
today is 6dp5dt (6 days past our 5 day transfer). you have been in my belly for almost a whole week now. i’ve been talking to you a lot lately. just asking you to please stay with us! i’ve also been praying a whole lot! just sort of talking to god letting him know that we are ready for you, but that if it isn’t our time to please help me understand why and to bring peace to my broken heart. your dad has talked to you also. he actually thinks that there are three of you in there. he thinks that we got pregnant with one of you on our own (a boy) and then transferred two of you after. it’s really cute. he has been amazing. keeping me calm and positive. he asks me how I’m feeling and has been doing a lot around the house. he kissed my belly a few times and stuck out his finger and told you, “you better stay in there, or else!” we are really excited and just hope to god that you will be joining our family!
i’ve been trying my best not to over think things. trying to not google too much about symptoms and what other people are feeling. i had read a lot of posts about all of these women with all these symptoms before day 3 and i was starting to get really sad. then that night i started to feel a little something. thanks for that 😉 i also have a hard time in the morning because i don’t feel much. in fact, today was especially difficult because i felt like the small symptoms that i had were starting to disappear. so i decided to not eat breakfast and let myself get pretty hungry. now i’m not feeling that great so i’m hoping that it is because you are in there. i think that anyone who has tried for so long to start a family wishes they felt every symptom in the world. just the other day i was telling your dad and your granny that i wish i spent most of my time by the toilet getting sick. your granny said we should get that in writing! haha. i know that if that happened i would be miserable, but anything to let me know that you are there and growing strong!
i have been terrified to test. i think i am just so nervous that it will be negative. however, i think i will still be nervous if it is positive because then i will know you are there and i will be so nervous to lose you! i’m trying my best to take it day by day, but it’s really hard. we will find out in just a few days what our results are… but your dad and i talked and i think we might test before just to ease our hearts and mind a little bit.
we love you both so much already!
we FINALLY did it! we finally had our transfer. it has been so surreal. the past few months have been so hard because we didn’t think it was going to take this long. we knew that doing pgs testing would mean that we wouldn’t be able to do a fresh transfer and that we would have a rest month, however we didn’t think we were going to transfer 4 months later!
our transfer was supposed to be in december. i started the medication and started testing my ovulation, but hadn’t gotten a positive. we had an appointment to find out what was going on and the doctor found that my follicle was only at a 14. he said he thought i would still ovulate, but it would take a few days. they want your follicles to be around 18-20 before they give you the trigger shot to make you ovulate. i knew something wasn’t right though. i never have had a problem ovulating and have especially never ovulated that late in my cycle. i went back on day 14 and saw different doctor. i knew right away that something wasn’t right by the look on her face. it turns out that the first doctor was looking at the wrong follicle. i had two that had produced because of the medication i was taking and it was the other follicle that had actually dropped. so, we missed my ovulation. i was so bummed. i held back all my tears and we talked for a minute about our next option. I had already taken a month of medication to get ready for our transfer. medication that i hated! i was told that i was doing a unmedicated cycle so i was a little confused as to why i was even put on anything. after talking to the doctor i decided i didn’t want to go back on the medication. so the next cycle was going to be fully natural until our transfer and then i would take the medication needed to help the babies stick. i stayed really strong. got dressed. stopped to talk to my nurse who gave me my medication for the trigger shot and then as i walked out the door i started bawling. i called john and told him. i was so upset. i couldn’t believe that we had missed it. i let myself be pretty bummed for the rest of the day and then pulled it together knowing that everything happens for a reason and that it just wasn’t our time.
well, i haven’t felt like this in a while. seriously, stay away from me because i will probably rip your head off today. it’s just that kind of day. i spent the morning in bed editing not wanting to really adult today or contribute to life in any way.
tomorrow is the one year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant and i didn’t expect to feel this way. i didn’t even feel this bad on the day that our baby was supposed to be due. yes i was sad, but today i am just pissed. pissed at the world, at my life, at my body that i feel like has failed me in so many ways, at everyone who has announced their pregnancy in the past few days. at the fact that people are now getting pregnant with their second baby. pissed that we have been trying for our first in the time that people have had their first, and now have moved onto their second. pissed at infertility and everything that we and i have gone through. pissed about having to change my life in so many ways in hopes that it will happen, but it hasn’t. pissed about the medication that i have had to pump my body full of. the countless appointments, needles and bills. pissed about how long it has taken for us to have something that we want so badly. something that comes so easily to so many other. pissed at all of those who take it for granted. pissed at the girl that i keep seeing standing by food 4 less and target with her young daughter begging for money. pissed at the people who don’t even take care of their kids, who expect others to do it for them. who expect others to change their life, their schedule, move their work around in order to take care of your kid because you don’t. hey, don’t worry about it. everyone else will deal with it for you. i know your life is so hard.