hello and happy friday!
besides sharing that we are FINALLY pregnant, i haven’t shared too much about our ivf journey since my egg retrieval. all of it was a lot harder to share than i thought. i wanted to be open about every step of our experience, however we had a lot of hiccups with our transfer and things kept getting pushed back so i was a little reluctant to share. on top of that, i think i was worried to share that we had transferred in case things didn’t work out. which in all honesty, i would have been fine with sharing. but i know that all the questions would have been a lot harder to answer if we didn’t end up making it to this point. especially because we had pretty much always intended to transfer two embryos, which meant that if this didn’t work for us, we would only have one embryo left… and that shit is scary to think about!
i am officially in my second trimester as of yesterday and wanted to share a little bit about how my first trimester went.
i was always that person that swore that i would never EVER complain about pregnancy because it took us so much to get here. but, you guys… why didn’t someone warn me?!
going through infertility was so incredibly difficult, but let me tell you… being pregnant is just as hard if not harder! i still can’t believe i am saying that. and please don’t judge me here. i am so excited that we are FINALLY pregnant and i can’t wait to hold these sweet little babes in my arms, but these last few months have been really hard!
i actually wished for morning sickness in the beginning! i wished to feel anything and everything to let me know that these babies were still here with us. i would have given anything to throw up in the beginning! how silly was i. oh, how i didn’t know what i was wishing for!
we had our first appointment to confirm our pregnancy around 6 weeks. i was feeling great, excited and also nervous. this was the appointment that we found out that both babies had stuck! although, we pretty much already knew because my hcg numbers were through the roof! things were pretty restricted up to this point. i couldn’t work out and was just supposed to take it easy. i was super excited to have our pregnancy confirmed and be cleared to start working out again.
well everything went great! both babies were there and had good heartbeats and i was cleared of ALL the activities that had been restricted since our transfer. i had all these great ideas about getting fit and eating healthy and then, BOOM! the next day i found myself on the couch for pretty much the entire day. this lasted from 6 weeks until close to 10.5 weeks. super nausea, incredibly tired, nothing sounded good, yet i was starving, and on top of that… healthy food was absolutely not on my menu! i would get hungry and pretty much had 5 or so minutes to eat before things got bad!
we had another appointment around 9 weeks. this appointment was a little different. we had left our fertility clinic and started seeing my OB at Kaiser. every appointment that we get to see our sweet girls is a good one, however this appointment stressed me out a little. the doctor found a blood clot in my uterus that was sitting on top and in the middle of both sacs. although i now know it really isn’t that big of a deal, it really scared me. she said it was small and would most likely go away on its own, but i worried anyway. i googled (don’t do this!) and read some really scary things about blood clots. i was scared that i would start bleeding and all of the emotions of losing our first baby would come back to me.
we also were concerned because she could only find one placenta during this appointment. the doctor wasn’t sure if the babies actually could have been identical, meaning we lost one embryo and the one that made it spilt. or we could have had two embryos where the placentas fused together, which is a little more high risk because sometimes one baby can take more oxygen and nutrients than the other. a few weeks after i was sent to radiology for a more intense ultrasound just to make sure both babes were okay. i was super nervous, but the appointment went great and i got to see our girls on a high quality screen for 20-30 minutes, which is always fun!
things were great! it was confirmed that both babies have their own placenta and my blood clot absorbed on its own. however, at this point my all day morning sickness had gone away and i was now throwing up every morning. part of me felt like this was better. at least i was up off the couch and could do something with my day after being sick in the morning. i think this is pretty common, but it’s always when i’m brushing my teeth! always! so i basically am brushing my teeth two times in the morning. i start… get sick… and then have to brush again.
these last few days have been the absolute worst! i have been throwing up multiple times a day and just feeling really awful. did i mention heartburn? oh yea, i have that too! since about 8 weeks. my esophagus is pretty much on fire 24/7. every single thing i eat gives me heartburn. did you know that bread can give you heartburn? yea, me either! did you know that taking the max amount of tums everyday won’t even work? yea, me either!
anyways… this has been really difficult. and i am only writing all of this because it’s okay to feel this way. i know a lot of us that have struggled with infertility have put so much pressure on ourselves to have this perfect pregnancy. to never complain. to want to be healthy and exercise and do things naturally and be perfect. at least that was my thought. but it’s okay to feel this way. it’s okay to think pregnancy is hard and maybe not even fun. i have to keep in mind the gifts at the end of this because right now i just feel like i am a sick person. like i should be in the hospital or something… which is so silly, but i’ve never in my life felt like this. and to be honest… i finally had to ask for help…like 20 minutes ago i spoke to a doctor. i didn’t want to take anything during my pregnancy because i just wanted to be that “perfect” pregnant person but i can’t keep living like this. especially because i have read that with a twin pregnancy the symptoms don’t really give. they typically last the entire time.
so i am looking forward to feeling better soon. and hopefully good enough to get my life together… maybe do some laundry and clean. maybe even start exercising and eating healthy or just keeping a meal down would be nice… especially because i have lost weight and my cute little baby bump is disappearing a bit.
i can’t wait for our girls to just be here! things are already flying by and before we know it, we are going to be the parents to two little babes. i seriously can’t wait!
i have a lot things to post here so stay tuned for more!